Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
