rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
