I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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