just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
