You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
