Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
