I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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