I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
