my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
