dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
