Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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