i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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