1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
