This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
