Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
