I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
