My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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