Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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