I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
