"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
