Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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