she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
