I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
