Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
