The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
