Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
