i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
