I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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