I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
