do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
