i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she smelled like a LAN party
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
