I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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