I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
