some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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