I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
