for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
