i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
