This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
