I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
