Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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