My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
