Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
