i was born a porn star she said
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
