Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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