"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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