I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
