So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
