i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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