Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
