so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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