Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
