I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
