I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
