I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
