just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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