WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
